Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Suki Jezz First Lost of Loved Ones

My First Lost of Loved Ones

When she is gone, no matter how we feel, we lost her. All I can say is: Rest in Peace, you are always still in my heart – my grandma, Ngeow Lian Yin.

She was born in 30th April 1929, she takes care of every child she has, and we heard a lot from my mom and relatives. All I can say is no matter how poor my grandma and grandfather were, they never neglect all the children. (For your information, during the old days, families who cannot afford to raise the children will give them to others.) They are the real tough warriors, to be able to gone through everything for so many years.

We can only meet her once in a while. There are thousands of excuses for not meeting up or gathering sometimes, but grandma never complain. All she can say is in Hakka: “it is ok, it is ok.”

But unluckily, devils of sickness start to attack her body, even the toughest gladiator version grandma fell sick, and terribly sick. She gone through a lot more than we do: - breast cancer, few operations, part of body start malfunctioning and lot more. But yet, she will just bear the pain and replied: “I can take it.”

One day of year 2010, mom told me: “grandma is very sick now, please try to visit her while you can.” “Mom, I am busy, working load is coming up, I will try to find time, plus I do not know how to go grandma’s house.” “Try your best, she is not feeling well.” Ouch, and I thought, she will recover soon, not to worry.

Time passed, Chinese New Year 2011 arrived. My aunt told me: “Grandma is very sick; your youngest aunt is taking care of her. She cannot eat anything at all, she is having kidney infection. We might need to send her to old folk homes if is needed.” “Ok, why not? We will share the fund to cover her expenses, not to worry. “Alas, but then again, there are people in the family refuse to co-operate. Some complained, some agreed. I just tell my aunt, I am fine contributing a little as I cannot afford to pay more as I have really high commitment, but I paid better than none.

10 Feb 2011, just few days of Chinese New Year, mom called. “Grandma is in hospital now. We will go and see her in the hospital.” My heartbeat stopped for few seconds. She is in ICU! We rushed to hospital. The first moment I saw her, I felt shocked and gasped. I cannot bear to see her, she is so in pain! She managed only to open one eye, she is in coma, she cannot speak, and she looked very pale. “The doctor said grandma’s kidney affection has spread to her weak body, and only part of her brain was still functioning,” Aunt said. I called my name, just to let her know that I came. She hardly response but she moved her fingers just a bit.

After few days, grandma was sent back home, hospital had announced that she have few more days to live only. We are so heartache, seeing her lying down at the room, struggling to breathe. Too many fights and arguments happened, and I knew that all she wants is: seeing us reunion and be happy, do not be so stubborn just for own benefit. Thus, what is the point of life for people who only think of themselves? That night everyone stayed back, because everyone afraid it might be her last day of life. We saw her not moving, and immediately everyone just tried to tell her that grandma, please rest in peace, and do not worried about us. We were so nervous, but luckily she was still breathing. I cried for days and nights. No matter what, there was a glimpse of hope in my heart that telling me, grandma will make it; she will wake up from coma, and smile back at me.

19th Feb 2011 – we planned to celebrate grandma’s birthday earlier so we planned a birthday party for her. I was told, in her life, grandma does not really celebrate her birthday. So we thought of to hold a party for her will make her happy at least. I was watching a movie and at 530pm, my brother called me. “Grandma passed away at 520pm.” I almost dropped my hand phone and my mind just went blank. No, I do not want to hear that at all! Not that sentence, I cried terribly, but yes, she is gone. I rushed to her house to see her. She did not move at all, and I can see that she is in pain while she was gone. Maybe she knew we celebrated her birthday earlier, and everyone will be here. In her heart, she might have nodded and finally, she can go away peacefully.

20th – 21st Feb 2011 – we held the funeral ceremony, we send her to her ‘place’ peacefully. I saw her ‘resting’ in the coffin, and I just tell myself, it is a lifecycle, people will go away one day too, it is just the matter of when. And then, I just whispered to her: “grandma, rest in peace, we love you. Without you, there will not be any of us exist then.” We sent her from house to the cemetery, and that is the last moment I am with her.

At her age of 82, all she asked was: being simple, and accept everything she has now, learn to be satisfied and be happy. But, all we know, nowadays, such things do not apply to everyone. Why? We always catch up with trends and things are moving fast, money spending is growing. Is it really necessary? And I regretted that we did not give the best at least for her, and did not have more time to be with her, to share the pain she has to take up so much.












2 comments:

Benjamin Tan said...

Hello Jes,

Sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my father also just one week before CNY this year and I never knew that I would miss him so much even though I have not been very close to him.

I guess it taught me that we should appreciate our family member and care for them more when they're around. I kept on reminding myself this even when they can be difficult to me sometimes.

jezz said...

yes, same as me too, that is why no matter how busy we are, we need spare some time with them, we never what will happen the next second, but we must cherish the second that we are having now